I recently fell down one of those three hour social media rabbit holes and ended up listening to former bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe's podcast, Off The Vine, with guest, Bachelor Host Chris Harrison. I'm not even a big bachelor fan, but yet, here I was, three hours later, giggling away with the two of them instead of working. It got me thinking.. if the cutting horse world had an edition of the bachelor, what would it look like? It would obviously be awesome but it would also be rife with bachelor AND horse world cliche's - what's better than that!?
We'll start with the arrival to the mansion. Picture a young, successful horse trainer waiting for the limo to arrive, we'll call him David. David has won over $1,000,000, and recently won a major triple crown event on a stallion that we'll call Dual Metallic High Brow. He tells the cameras that he's just looking for a girl to manage his business, hire his help, let him talk to his trainer buddies on the phone for hours on end and take his horses to the vet.. also love, he's looking for love. The ladies begin to arrive, they are all here "for the right reasons" (like, free horse training, a chance to haul for the world, getting to put up the hashtag #wifey on the gram, for sure a few that think our horse trainer is filthy rich because his horses cost $100,000+ - jokes on you chick). Like all great reality shows we have a mix of girls for sure, we want the drama to be HIGH, because the horse world doesn't have enough. I mean, this is actually such a great idea, Bachelor producers, call me. The group consists of some lopers, throw in an english rider who isn't sure how tf she ended up on the show, a divorcee or two for good measure, and definitely a few girls who have never even ridden a horse but think a dude in a cowboy hat is hot and go to country music festivals.
When I found this image randomly, I knew that God wanted me to make this post. Perfection.
Our Chris Harrison would definitely be Tom Holt, and to usher in the girls out of the limo he would say, "Okay we have Krista up, Candy you are next in the draw, Cindy you are on deck." Some of the girls eat shit on the cobblestones leading up to the mansion because they are wearing stacked stiletto heels and long gowns for the first time in their lives. David is going to be pretty awkward at first, like you know that extended hand is pretty clammy, and he hasn't worn a suit since his high school graduation, bonus points - it's the same suit, so he's feeling pretty constricted and keeps doing that dress-pants-shuffle. Candy has to keep telling herself that she thinks he's attractive because you know.. she's in it for love.. and it's like, the Bachelor, and she really wants to make it to the end so she can be the wife of an Open Futurity Champion. David informs Chris Harrison-Tom Holt that he wants the dates to reflect his real life so that he can figure out if these girls can really stick it out. The timing is perfect, we are three months out of the NCHA Futurity so the pressure is on! These Bachelor producers, they are smart! So they go on dates that all have a challenges component - Figuring out schedules, draws and when lopers should get on which horse. Who has the most blood-curdling, high-pitched "YEE" of any of the girls. Who can navigate the rig through a Walmart parking lot the best. Meanwhile, Cindy is still trying to figure out how David will pay for her Louis Vuitton obsession, and how to navigate heels through the knee deep arena dirt at Will Rogers. Cindy is instantly labeled the "villian", she is NOT here to make friends ya'll. She's super catty, can't ride worth shit and threw a rake at one of David's lopers when she looked at her wrong.
And then I found this one - the internet is truly an amazing place.
A lot of the girls really struggle through the first big group date - turning back for David on shitty used up cattle while he's riding one of his futurity hopefuls. Pan to Kaylie in her interview, "I know David is a really good guy but I was pretty frustrated today when he was swearing at his horse and throwing a bridle at me, but you know, i'm here to find love and I'm going to stick it out." Another group dates consists of the girls trying to corral clients and get them to the practice pen. Cue another interview with Krista, "you know, the stress of that situation, having the practice pen girls call at me while he watched on, really brought David and I closer together." The producers are loving Bachelor: Cutting Horse Edition because they are saving a ton of money on wine - the girls are so deliriously tired from being at shows, loping horses, cleaning stalls and general client relations that they are acting like crazy people without any liquor involved. At one of the last rose ceremonies David tells the girls that this is the hardest decision he's ever had to make, except for the time he was undecided what cows he was going to cut at Super Stakes on Dual Metallic High Brow, that was way more nerve-wracking than this shit.
Legitimately me If I was on the Bachelor.
As we get closer to November we head to the home-town dates, except David can't get away from the barn for that long, so the families come to his training facility. The girls are challenged to make their families dinner out of only items found at seedy gas-stations. Cindy's parents are big time real estate agents from Los Angeles, and although David is pretty sure Cindy absolutely hates horses and everything about his life, he thinks he can bag them as his next big time owners. Also, David says to the camera, "I'm really falling for her, it's scary, but exciting" but in reality Cindy is like really hot, and he's into that, so who cares if she absolutely hates horses and driving and Texas, they'll make it work.
Who knew there was this much crazy-horse-girl related fodder on google images... I can't stop.
Finally, David and his final three women - Cindy, Kaylie and Candy - head to their "exotic location" - Will Rogers for the Futurity, and their "fantasy suite" is a crap hotel room where David keeps throwing his jeans and show shirts all over the place. Cue Cindy as she picks up David's freshly-starched Finals night show shirt, "it's truly romantic because it's real, you know? I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I know on past seasons they've gone to Bali and Jamaica, but for me, this is so much better." Cue eye rolling from everyone involved. The final rose ceremony is the night of the Open Futurity Finals, it's down to Cindy and Kaylie. David marks a huge 227 to win the Futurity, the crowd is going wild as they bring Cindy and Kaylie down to the floor of Will Rogers. David comes out of the pen and walks towards Kaylie and reaches out to her, "will you accept these sweat lathered bridle reins... oh, and put up her tail before you cool her out okay?" The end. A love story for the ages.